Fears

Will my future be able to live up to my own standards?

Am I even living up to my standards, now?

Should I just run off now?

Afraid of success... afraid of failure. I don't really fail, actually. My view of failure changes once it has happened -- I change my idea of what failing is and how it applies to me. If I don't get what I want or my goal, than I change what I want or adjust my goal.

Why wait to start living? You can't say "oh, my life will begin after I finish this, or after that.. I'll start worrying about enjoying life once I or you and they....." You can't live like that; you end up with "I'll live after I retire" but by then you've lived your whole life working and not really living -- and you don't know how to live. You have to practice living throughout your life.

I'm too weird and crazy. For what? For this world. For the people in it.

You know that you're thirsty when you start dreaming about drinking several giant full glasses of water.

Welcome to day three of quitting. So far, so good. Yesterday driving home... I wanted smokables, bad. I turned the music up and sang a smoking song to whatever song I had on.

The heater keeps waking me up. Both the sound of it turning on, and the heat.

Time to do fun things today, dammit.

Classmate interview

NGJones here, today we aren't on the road, we're in the classroom of the College that I attend. It's located in Laurel, MD and is a small (somewhere around 500 or 1K grad and undergrad) private, accredited college that focuses on 4 year technical degrees and business. I am a senior about to finish my 9th semester (8th if you only count full time semesters).

I met a classmate that I previously did not know and probably would never have known if not for this class and this assignment - due mostly to he lives on campus and I commute.

Ronald is from Baltimore and previous to attending this college, he attended Morris Brown in Georgia. He chose this college because of it's discounted tuition for business majors - and because this college happened to visit his HS and he remembered. He likes best at our college how small it is (I agree, this is one of the big reasons I chose this college), the rec hall (complete with big screen TV, and a pool table), and that the college is close to home. Also, the college has a career fair that offers much. However, the college lacks in that there is little to do besides class and video games... unless you have a car. He'd like to see more activities; like many of us. Some of his career goals include owning his own bar and restaurant and/or lounge; I guess he'd like to be in the entertainment industry - a good reason to start out as a Business Major.

He enjoys rap, ESPN - sports center and That 70's Show; as well as hanging out with friends. Ronald's favorite place in D.C. is Georgetown; there is a lot to do; shopping, and lots of things to see, between the expensive cars and the fancy houses. If given the chance to have dinner with anyone, he would choose President Obama - "he seems down to earth." Some of Ronald's favorite vacation spots include Myrtle Beach and VA beach, but he'd like to go to Miami someday and to Vegas for his 21st.

One thing I would like to point out is our mutual fondness for the Carolina's.

Back to Class

Welcome to the driving adventures of NGJones, today I remember a security training that was required by my job about months ago:

On my way to class today, after a welcome week-long break, I thought of a security training speaker that my job required a few months ago.

He was a slightly eccentric and definitely paranoid man with an unorthodox, yet effective, method of getting his point across.

One of those was about keeping a less than predictable schedule; to vary times and routes of travel just frequently enough. He told the audience that he drives his wife nuts with this because he will take one of three or more known routes between a place and home. Break routine.

I think about this, partially because he said that we would remember at least some part of his briefing, but also because I tend to do this naturally. Not necessarily for security or anti-terrorism, but because knowing several routes is beneficial. Taking a different route keeps me thinking about the task at hand, it keeps my mind fresh on each route that I know, it gives me a different scenery, and escape routes should I ever hit traffic along one of the many.

The speaker calls himself and is known to others as "The DICE Man." His reasons give me yet another reason to keep doing what I do.

Off topic; I love to plan - anything and everything (maybe not....) but certainly when and how I'm going to go about school/work/ hobbies... etc. But, I also love to break my plan - they are tentative.

I guess I like to have the plan; but don't feel that I have to follow it - so long as I am getting done what I think I should be getting done.

Yup, another day on the road.

It's finally time

NGJones here, just back from driving and realizing:

With all the driving that I do, I usually have a few vices to help pass the time; get me through.

I've quit texting while driving; certainly the most dangerous and immediate danger while operating a motor vehicle.
I still sometimes eat, but only things like carrots or goldfish; less message and one at a time sort of snacks.
I keep any grooming or looking at myself at all to a minimum anyway; most of the time.
I still sometimes answer the phone; but not in D.C., certainly.
The worst and the most researched of course - smoking.

Smoking is something I save exclusively for driving/ riding in a car. It sometimes sneaks up on me in social events or when "stressed," but in the car is where I feel the need to fulfill the fix the most.

If I can break the habit in the car, then I can break it completely.

I theorize and have heard that a lot of smoking is really an oral asphyxiation. I'll have to find ways to keep this fixation at bay.
I have a half pack and a few more full packs. I'll finish the half - but at a slower rate. Already I have driven to work 3 morning without lighting up. The remaining three, I will put in the freezer and maybe gift out or sell. Might as well make some money back.

Besides my will power and my working out (which keeps stress down, among other techniques I use), the best thing I have going for me is that I don't smoke cigarettes. What I smoke cannot be found in MD at all. I have had to drive to PA and VA the past few months to get them. Another good reason to quit; time and money baby. Health is the biggest reason, but time and money are right behind. Because what I smoke will be far away, I will always have an hour drive or more to reconsider the potential purchase. I wont settle for cigarettes or cigars or black and milds, oh no.

Clove "cigars" only. Come May, no smoking, only.

Speaking of May. 1 more semester down, 9 total down. 1 more to go. Then it's hello to the world of undergrads. I'll have the BS in EE that I have been working towards.

30" on the ground and another 10" to 20" on the way

Welcome to the Blizzard of 2010.. I mean, to the blog of NGJones.

So my roommates and I shoveled about 500ft x 16inches (we didn't shovel down to the actual driveway, only enough to give the truck clearance) x 7ft. Just enough to fit the F-250. We left about 8 inches on the driveway - JUST enough for the truck, no more no less.

We talked about the relationships between us; I am very much like my one older male roommate but also a little bit like the older female roommate. They are pretty much opposites in most ways. One way they are similar is that they are both very money conscious and reluctant to spend it at all... which is why we aren't doing this with a snow blower or hiring a plow, yet... We also have not had any snow like this since the blizzard of 2003, when our neighbor was able to bring his tractor over to clear out our extra long driveway. In most cases we would rather do it ourselves or not at all. I think we might get a snow blower for next year, though.

We talked about global warming in an ironic tone.... warming, eh? 30 inches of snow.... and it hasn't been above 20 degrees for about 2 weeks, eh? usually in MD we can get variable temperatures; a big MD joke is "if you don't like the weather, then just wait an hour - it will change."

My sister called when I got back inside, I mentioned this global warming contradicion to her and of course, she had a clause all ready about how this colder weather SUPPORTS the global warming theory.... I guess that's the thing about theorys, they are flexible.

Finally got out of the driveway

Welcome, I'm NGJones and this is me... NOT driving to and from work and school and home; but simply getting from my parking at my house, and significantly, down the driveway. I live on a snow emergency route, so past my driveway was kept pretty clear.

**Originally written on the 3rd of February - during the blizzard of 2010**


Some of these thoughts came during the snow shoveling of about 30 inches.... a 7-8 foot path down a 500 foot driveway - just to get the truck out.

So I got a new CD, a compilation of current favorites (including Hollywood Undead, Crossfade, Bloodhound Gang, and Geniuses) just before the snow hit; new CDs help make the hours on the road bearable, the radio can only offer so much... maybe I should get an HD tuner... the radio rarely plays any of my favorite songs of the moment.

I got some gum, but it's hurting my jaw; did I grind my teeth last night?
What's bothering me, if that's the case?
Is it the work that I know I need to get done, but haven't yet; do I need to relax, or stop procrastinating?
Is it the upcoming Valentines day; the significant other overall, I wonder?
Or could it be that I know in 10 months time my whole life will be changing; I'll have my BS... I'll probably have to move out of the 'roommates' house, and get a real job - my current job is being "BRACed" (Base Realignment and Closure)?

Probably all of this put together in the back of my mind.

Sigh

Oh well... can't worry too much about the future; focus on the present.